hunting and gathering 2004

Somewhere Between Sanitary and Sardine

“There is no laughter in Heaven”
-anonymous

Consulting my trusty pocket Japanese English dictionary the other day, I was looking for the word “sarcasm”, which seems to have not found it’s way into the collective Japanese consciousness. I should have been my tip off when I was asked by my teaching partner Mr. Suganuma what would be some appropriate English songs for the youngsters to learn. My first inclination was to ask “do you know Twisted Sister’s ‘We’re not Gonna Take it7”?, but I stopped myself.
“I hear the Carpenters are very popular in Japan”, I said with a half smile, hoping Mr. S would get that I was pulling his obe.
“Exactly what I was thinking”, Mr. S said producing a photocopy of scratched out songs he had previously used. “So far, we’ve used ‘Ticket to Ride, We’ve Only Just Begun, and On Top of the World. I guess that leaves ‘Crose to You’, doesn’t it, but maybe too slow?” I knew I was already in over my head with this one and it was better to just swim.
“Ah, pulling out the heavy guns. In America when you are on third base, it’s always a good idea to throw the Carpenters on”, I said straight-faced. Irony is lost in a land where nothing goes wrong. You can’t joke with the Japanese unless you make it really obvious, there’s no subtlety about the humor here.
I mentioned that I grew up one town away from where the Carpenters hailed, Downey, Ca. Mr. S’s eyes grew wise in amazement. “Really? Did you know them?” I’d see Karen going out for the paper in the mornings on occasion.” Now it was getting bad.

Something decidedly makes the trans-pacific translation about the Carpenters world vision of love, happiness, and all around genki-ability. Maybe there’s something in that optimism, like nothing can go wrong. I’m sure if they were still around, they could tour Japan exclusively and do quite well for themselves. It did usher in a bad streak of music of the 70’s feel-good era music. I guess after all the trauma of the 60’s, some people just wanted something safe, I mean it wasn’t like they were spitting blood or smashing their gear at the end of every performance. .
Karen Carpenter is a prime example of someone who laid it on a little too thick and you know what happened to her. Maybe she was trying to overcompensate for other parts of her life. It’s almost like the antithesis of Elvis’ demise.
The following day, a typed up translation appeared upon my desk. All seemed fine and well ‘til I hit the refrain:

That is why all the girls go down
Follow you all around
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

Needless to say, I was slightly embarrassed by this verbal faux pas and I brought it to his attention. Apparently Mr. S was adamant regarding things he clearly knew nothing about, so who was I to interfere? Okay dude, it’s your gig.
Time came to lead the class through the Burt Bacharach classic, so schmaltzy it could be deadly. The first rendition I was a little shy, but by the end of the day, I was in karaoke mode. Have to admit there was a certain someone back home who sprang to mind when they got to “the angels sprinkling stardust in your eyes of blue”. Towards the sixth performance, I had a cry baby “wah” ready for ending “wow, close to you” part. There’s something about those impressionable teenagers that bring out my sadistic side. It was encouraging to get a few laughs from them.
I can’t help thinking that there must be some Japanese kid not sleeping tonight, cursing those Carpenters songs that won’t go away.

On Top of My Roof

I can’t believe how bad I feel today
Ever since the flood
Washed my family away
Now I’m standing on my roof
And there doesn’t seem to be much hope today

I’m on top of my roof
Looking down on devastation
And the only explanation I can find
Is the rain that fell down
And washed away this town
Now you put me on top of my roof

I don’t think I can hold out for long
But the man on the TV
Says I got it all wrong
You get the message in a bottle that I sent
And today I feel like I’m a rope
On the Bad Year blimp

European Showers

Employee: Fucking shit, we’re going to die!
Employer: Watch your mouth boy, if you like this job!

Evil Dead II Act III, Sc I

I've taken up with a certain someone whose initials are “JF”- that’s Jack Frost for those yet to be schooled. He’s a rather mischievous lad, dogging the heels of all newcomers to these bleak shores. His latest trick has been to turn off the gas in my humble abode. Last night I made a careful survey of my apartment complex to find the gas main, but to no avail.
Of course ground control was less than accommodating. Given the language barrier with the folks at my company, it took some time to track down an English speaker. My impassioned pleas were met with a concealed Australian snigger. Should have said, “it wouldn’t be half as hilarious if it were happening to you”, but thought better about the hand that might help me out of such predicaments. I was assured that the problem would be resolved tomorrow.
However, this morning I was faced with the grim task of taking another European shower (just the pits and hair). As you can well imagine as the mercury plummets ever-downwards, my sheer dread of what awaited me in a basin of icy waters, first thing on a such a winters day. I shuddered instinctively in front of the faucet, as a cold wave of goose-bumps hit my shivering torso. Getting into a Japanese shower is hard enough, forget about the brutal cold! I'm scared to think what the rest of my body has gotten up to in the absence of cleanliness. I'm certain there's a Russian somewhere reading this, disgusted with my lack of polar bear resilience. My neighbors must have thought I was being flayed alive. One thing is for sure, I was awake after that!
So, I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon with the gas man, which means another day of slathering in my already stewed juices. Hopefully I won’t make the flowers droop too far or my co-workers take to wearing clothespins on their noses. Luckily for them, it isn’t the height of summer or we’d really have something to worry about!