Somewhere Between Sanitary and Sardine

“There is no laughter in Heaven”
-anonymous

Consulting my trusty pocket Japanese English dictionary the other day, I was looking for the word “sarcasm”, which seems to have not found it’s way into the collective Japanese consciousness. I should have been my tip off when I was asked by my teaching partner Mr. Suganuma what would be some appropriate English songs for the youngsters to learn. My first inclination was to ask “do you know Twisted Sister’s ‘We’re not Gonna Take it7”?, but I stopped myself.
“I hear the Carpenters are very popular in Japan”, I said with a half smile, hoping Mr. S would get that I was pulling his obe.
“Exactly what I was thinking”, Mr. S said producing a photocopy of scratched out songs he had previously used. “So far, we’ve used ‘Ticket to Ride, We’ve Only Just Begun, and On Top of the World. I guess that leaves ‘Crose to You’, doesn’t it, but maybe too slow?” I knew I was already in over my head with this one and it was better to just swim.
“Ah, pulling out the heavy guns. In America when you are on third base, it’s always a good idea to throw the Carpenters on”, I said straight-faced. Irony is lost in a land where nothing goes wrong. You can’t joke with the Japanese unless you make it really obvious, there’s no subtlety about the humor here.
I mentioned that I grew up one town away from where the Carpenters hailed, Downey, Ca. Mr. S’s eyes grew wise in amazement. “Really? Did you know them?” I’d see Karen going out for the paper in the mornings on occasion.” Now it was getting bad.

Something decidedly makes the trans-pacific translation about the Carpenters world vision of love, happiness, and all around genki-ability. Maybe there’s something in that optimism, like nothing can go wrong. I’m sure if they were still around, they could tour Japan exclusively and do quite well for themselves. It did usher in a bad streak of music of the 70’s feel-good era music. I guess after all the trauma of the 60’s, some people just wanted something safe, I mean it wasn’t like they were spitting blood or smashing their gear at the end of every performance. .
Karen Carpenter is a prime example of someone who laid it on a little too thick and you know what happened to her. Maybe she was trying to overcompensate for other parts of her life. It’s almost like the antithesis of Elvis’ demise.
The following day, a typed up translation appeared upon my desk. All seemed fine and well ‘til I hit the refrain:

That is why all the girls go down
Follow you all around
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

Needless to say, I was slightly embarrassed by this verbal faux pas and I brought it to his attention. Apparently Mr. S was adamant regarding things he clearly knew nothing about, so who was I to interfere? Okay dude, it’s your gig.
Time came to lead the class through the Burt Bacharach classic, so schmaltzy it could be deadly. The first rendition I was a little shy, but by the end of the day, I was in karaoke mode. Have to admit there was a certain someone back home who sprang to mind when they got to “the angels sprinkling stardust in your eyes of blue”. Towards the sixth performance, I had a cry baby “wah” ready for ending “wow, close to you” part. There’s something about those impressionable teenagers that bring out my sadistic side. It was encouraging to get a few laughs from them.
I can’t help thinking that there must be some Japanese kid not sleeping tonight, cursing those Carpenters songs that won’t go away.